CONSIDER THIS: Reflections for Finding Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

I really enjoyed reading this new book by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I recently learned that she went to school at Wayne State in Detroit, Michigan and love that since I’m a Michigan girlie. Below are my favorite excerpts from the book: 

When we try to control external influences, it’s usually an attempt to avoid dealing with our own internal conflicts. 

Focus on how you feel after your conversations with certain people:

• Are you restored or depleted?
• Are you anxious or at ease?
• Did you learn something new about yourself or the other person?
• Did you feel comfortable with the topic?
• Were you triggered by something they said?
• Did you enjoy the conversation?
• What would you like to do differently if you had to talk to this person again?

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. It’s communicating how you feel and what you need.

If you become anxious in someone else’s presence, wonder why. Stomachaches, panic attacks, nausea, sweating, headaches, stuttering, and twitches are warning signs from your body. Listen and decipher the message. Stress manifests as physical symptoms. Please don’t ignore them. 

There are some people I miss, yet I’m also more at peace because I no longer have a relationship with them. Sometimes, you are indeed better off without some folks because you can’t be the best version of yourself with them in your life. 

Relationships teach you who you are. They hold so much valuable information, so use them to pay more attention to yourself. Notice how you feel around specific people. 

The difference between holding a grudge and holding  a boundary is the following: Am I trying to teach someone a lesson, or am I keeping myself safe and comfortable in this relationship? Boundaries are not weapons, and they are not tools to control others. 

Get more comfortable with the fact that not everyone will like you. 

Everyone wants to be seen. Everyone wants to be celebrated. Seeking compliments is a way of wanting to be seen. 

Anxiety makes things seem unsafe.

Nurture yourself as you would a small child. The little version of you still needs many things you think you stopped needing. You never outgrow needing tender love, but perhaps you stopped receiving it. Give it to yourself now. 

Try focusing less on a solution and more on listening.

When we can’t accept the bad, mean, or destructive ways we harm others, we might protect ourselves by blaming someone else or denying responsibility.

Allow yourself to step away from the old you gracefully. 

There are new people in your life who are different from the people in your old relationships. 

Healthy people pleasing is what you are willing to do for a relationship without harming yourself or constantly sacrificing your own needs. 

It’s helpful to wonder:

• Who made you believe that nurturing yourself was selfish?
• Was it someone who regularly neglected themselves?
• Was is someone trying to push you to do something for them?

Creating your dream life or ideal relationships involves some level of risk. So do things that make you uncomfortable when there’s potential within them to improve your life. 

Freedom is forgiving others even if they have not apologized, simply because it sets you free. 

(When she is discussing her birthday and how they are sacred personal holidays to her and how she’d wait for her partner to plan something and get mad if they didn’t, but also would get mad if it wasn’t exactly what she secretly wanted)- I was giving the power of something meaningful to me over to someone else to figure out. 

Giving up who we are is not a sign of love; it’s a symptom of neglect. 

The structures that you create for your life to be safe should only keep harmful people away, not everyone. 

Coddling people are you set boundaries is a form of people-pleasing. You’re setting boundaries because what you wanted wasn’t happening naturally. Let people adjust, but don’t ease up on your boundaries just to appease them. 

You must first create space to explore what you love. Space is there, but you’re filling it with everything else. Eliminate and downsize to start discovering more. Notice what exhausts and depletes you. Pour energy into valuable relationships. 

Feelings don’t have to make sense to other people for them to be true for you. 

An emotional void cannot be filled with stuff. 

Helping while you’re depleted is a breeding ground for resentment and burnout. 

Believe that the other person can manage their emotions. 

Being overly involved in the lives of others can be a sign that you are neglecting or avoiding your own life. You have so many things that require your attention. 

When you find yourself focused on others, look within!

What you talk about is more important than how often you speak to someone. 

When you don’t show up, people will stop asking you to show up. When you frequently decline invitations, people will ask you less often. When you exhibit poor listening skills, people will stop sharing with you. People react behaviorally based on what they receive or don’t receive from you. 

When i sit with people in a therapeutic capacity, they often say things like “My Dad was a heavy drinker”, when their father was actually an alcoholic. They opt for softer language because saying the A-word is too hard. When we do this, we try to hide our pain through language. The assumption is that softer words will keep us from coming undone by what happened to us. But sometimes, we need to come undone. A little unpacking is not a bad thing if it helps us acknowledge the truth of what happened. That’s when healing truly begins. 

Entitlement is believing you deserve something that hasn’t been earned. 

I cannot control other people’s emotional reactions.

Living a brace life rather than a safe life will make you proud of yourself. Life is meant to be lived, which means everything can’t go as planned. Life is meant to be lived, which means not everything will come easily. Life is meant to be lived, which means some of your decisions for yourself won’t make others happy.

Guilt is a tricky emotion, because you have to discern if you truly did something wrong or if you were simply taught that you shouldn’t do something that’s actually reasonable.

In most cases, we create boundaries to preserve our relationships. Remember that boundaries are about creating peace, not chaos. 

Some people won’t apologize, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Being accountable for our actions or lack of actions is hard, and some people can’t or don’t want to see themselves in an imperfect way. 

Accountability means admitting you messed up, which can be hard to acknowledge. People blame others because the truth is hard to live with. 

Not being a good listener doesn’t make someone a bad person. It just makes them a poor listener. Listening is a skill. Some people haven’t acquired the skill to listen well. 

 To get a copy of this book, click HERE!

 

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